having one of my bad days
i haven't been having too many great thoughts lately. i finally got my passion for digital art back after using my mom's ipad (since mine broke..) and i was really enjoying myself!! i was drawing some chibis of the criminal minds cast to make individual shrines of all the agents. this morning, my mom told me she needed it today, and that makes sense because it is hers.. but.. when i got home she said that 'there is no more ipad'..? now, my current theory is that she sold the ipad. honestly, i could've come to terms with it being gone if i got a heads up, but why couldn't she at least tell me??? i had THREE drawings done and i hadn't yet downloaded them to my computer. i've cried at least five separate times over this. i don't think my mom has ever liked me and this is really just the straw that broke the camel's back for me. i've had fifteen years of hell on earth, and for once i just want a bit of peace. today, i've really wanted to hurt myself. and i know i shouldn't, it's not good for me. but all this stress isn't good for me either. all i could think about when i got home from school was how i would apologize to everyone before i kill myself. but i just don't know how i'd apologize to my girlfriend. i know she'd be extra devastated, but i've been fighting these urges for so long. i just don't know what to do. i love her so much and she makes me feel so human, but a child needs more love than this. a child needs to be loved by her mother. a child needs to be cared for by her family. not just loved by a human unrelated to her. i will try my hardest to stay strong for her, but i don't know how much more i can take. fifteen years of abuse is a lot for someone to take.. i don't know how i've even made it this far. i hope she never sees this entry, but if she does, i hope she knows that i love her SO much. and she keeps me going each and every day.